There is usually something we know would move our lives forward.
The difficult conversation. The doctor’s appointment. The creative project. The application. The boundary.
The thing we’ve been putting off for weeks, months, or sometimes years.
And despite knowing it matters, we avoid it.
Why? It’s because avoidance provides immediate relief.
Why avoidance feels good
The moment we postpone or distract, we escape the discomfort that was beginning to emerge.
Research on procrastination suggests that delaying an unpleasant task serves as a form of short-term mood regulation. We prioritize feeling better now, even when postponing the task creates greater difficulty for our future selves.
In behavioral psychology, this is known as negative reinforcement: when a behavior removes or reduces an unpleasant experience, we’re more likely to repeat it.
The relief becomes a reward that the brain continues to seek out.
The story our nervous system learns
The problem is allowing avoidance to become our default response to discomfort.
The nervous system is constantly learning from experience. And each time we avoid something, we reinforce the impulse to escape rather than building evidence that we can handle it.
Over time, the brain can strengthen associations between certain experiences and anticipated discomfort:
- Conversation = conflict
- Visibility = judgment
- Uncertainty = danger
And the more familiar these associations become, the more automatic avoidance can feel.
The next time we encounter these experiences, even under entirely different circumstances, we may feel the familiar urge to pull away.
This creates a tension between the part of us that wants to grow and the patterns we’ve learned for protection.
Co-existing with discomfort
Ironically, many of the things we want most require us to approach something that initially feels uncomfortable.
- Greater intimacy requires vulnerability
- New opportunities require uncertainty
- Meaningful change often requires acting before we feel entirely ready
The opportunity is learning to distinguish between what truly threatens our safety vs. what challenges our familiarity.
Co-existing with discomfort creates an opportunity to rewire the nervous system.
Research shows that when we face something we’ve been avoiding and discover that what we feared doesn’t happen, the brain changes what it expects.
- A difficult conversation might still feel uncomfortable, but we learn we can have it
- A creative project might still expose us to judgment, but we learn we can tolerate being seen
- An unfamiliar opportunity might still bring uncertainty, but we gain experience moving through it
And through repetition, what once felt overwhelming will gradually become more manageable.
In a world experienced through our nervous systems, co-existing with discomfort may be one of the most powerful ways we expand what’s possible for ourselves.
References
- Procrastination and the Priority of Short-Term Mood Regulation: Consequences for Future Self (2013)
- Avoidance Learning: A Review of Theoretical Models and Recent Developments (2015)
- Anxiety as a Disorder of Uncertainty: Implications for Understanding Maladaptive Anxiety, Anxious Avoidance, and Exposure Therapy (2023)
- Maximizing Exposure Therapy: An Inhibitory Learning Approach (2014)
- Rethinking Avoidance: Toward a Balanced Approach to Avoidance in Treating Anxiety Disorders (2018)